A Question for Large Families

We would like to hear more stories of large families and how big their houses are and where and how they put all the kids in bedrooms.   We currently have adopted 5 (1 is out of the house now) the other 4 are ages 4-13 (only have 1 girl) we’re in a 3 bedroom house & basement if ever gets finished we’d have 2 more, but our 13 girl stays down there already (she wants to).    We would love to adopt more children but think we’re running out of space (1 of our boys who is 12 is separated in his own room, because of possible sexually abused by birth parent/family).   We think of selling to find bigger but these days won’t get what we owe for our house, so can’t do that.   We live on 10 acres but also can’t afford to add on (I stay home with the little ones).    So just would like to hear stories about how everyone else fits the children in.   Also 3 out of the 5 for sure have “Fetal alcohol syndrome” possible our daughter does too but more mild then the boys.  The youngest was a Meth child and so far is just hyper. 

Question from a Parent about Transition Times

My question is about transition. Here they like to drag it out upwards of 6 months (at least for school age kids). What is a good transition time for kids? Does it depend on age?

Question for Professionals from a Parent

We arew parents of a 2 year 4 month old girl and have been her parents since day 2. She had drugs in her system at birth. The questions we have for you are:

She hit's us, our dog and other children. Except in a day care which she goes to once a week and she has friends there. Later on we have started her in a parent/toddler class once a week and she has been hiiting the children two or three times, and this week twice in a day. She does not know the children or parents in the parent-toddler class, as well as she does in the days care. The teacher in the daycare is much ore interactive and nurturing than in the parent-toddler class.

The problem has existed for quite awhile, at least since last summer. In the past we would grab her arms and scold her. More recently, we have timed her out, but nothing seems to work. Maybe she is trying to be friendly and doesn't knwo how. Her teacher in her parent-toddler class wants to send her home now, after one hit, to which I objected. I would like to move her but want to give the teacher a chance to work something out--I feel that she doesn't want to work with our child, or is it school policy that she send her home? I talked to the vice pricipal and she said she was surprised that this teacher wanted to send Savannah h ome when she was such a proponent of positive discipline.

Do you have any suggestions?

Savannah is quite verbal.

The other question involves my saying to my child that her behavior is "bad" and I may have said that she was bad when I was scolding her. I regret this because now she says mommy/daddy is bad, the dog is bad, and when asked if she is bad she says yes (although I don't really think she knows what bad is, she has picked up on my inflection and stern demeanor). What can I do now? We have been telling her that she is a good girl at every oopportunity we have.

Steven

Question from A Parent

Hi
I have 2 adopted children - a daughter of 3.5 years and a son of 2.2 years. Both were adopted at birth and we have openly spoken about adoption since they were born.
I would like to write up their adoption story and share it with friends and families once it has been told to my children. I was just wondering if anyone has done this and has some good ideas to share about how to do it and what to say at this stage in their lives since they are obviously still quite young.
I look forward to hearing from you.
regards
Lorienne

Children Needing Residential Care

Many adoptive families are now reporting horror stories of having to have a "Child in Need of Protection or Services" petition filed in order for their adopted son or daughter with multiple issues to receive residential care.

Are there other ways less incriminating ways that families can access funding for residential treatment when it is not safe for their adopted child to live at home?

Question from Another Parent

We have 5 daughters we have adopted through foster care and taken
guardianship of another. We are no strangers to the ups and downs and
have (mostly) come to terms with the difficulties. What we just can't
seem to get right is helping our children transition to adulthood.

Our oldest daughter who we got at age 14 and adopted at 18 is married
and doing quite well in another state. A few months after graduating
high school she was skipping her college classes, skipping work and
really not doing much of anything. We gave her some options and set
some guidelines which she completely ignored, no fight, no discussion,
just ignored. We told her she could not stay in our home unless she
was willing to work, go to school, or both. Without a word she moved
out with her boyfriend. After that it was a series of moves until she
found her husband. He is actually a great guy, and we are so grateful,
but he takes total care of her. I wouldn't call our relationship
strained, but it is distant. She seems to surround herself with people
who require little of her and that is not us. Although I'm sure she
feels like we've pulled away, we feel like we've always been here, but
that she just doesn't always need us the way we are. Even phone
conversations are difficult. She is quiet until we get her talking
about what she wants to talk about. She rarely even remembers things
we tell her about the rest of the family. I don't want to give you the
impression that she's mean. She's actually very sweet and all things
considering is living quite a productive life.

We had guardianship of another daughter. She left shortly after high
school graduation in a huff (we're still not sure why). She joined the
army, came home for a strange, unannounced Christmas visit, went AWOL
and we didn't hear from her until we were contacted by a mental
institution a couple of years later. She had had a breakdown and was
not the same girl we knew.

Now our 20 year old daughter is a junior at a university 3 hours away.
She's actually doing really well, but has moved 5 times, still doesn't
have a group of really good friends and seems to sabotage relationships
with boys. Now, we're finding each visit home to be less and less
enjoyable. There's a tension that's hard to explain and very very very
subtle manipulations. She's always loved to be the victim but now
she's a master at this. When there are problems, there is no
discussion, she just shuts down. She leaves mad, we're mad and things
are uncomfortable until I reach out and then we can never address the
problems or we'll just start the process over again. There will come a
time, on her terms where she will address the issues. She has all the
right and seemingly sincere conclusions and answers but seems
completely unable to really work those answers in real life.

Now, my husband and I know that we are far from innocent in all of
this. We are demanding, protective and involved. I'm sure many times
our children feel that nothing is good enough. We are also on constant
alert trying to protect ourselves from manipulation and that's probably
a tough wall for our kids to break through sometimes.

So we're looking for resources to help ease the problems adulthood
brings. We have this feeling that we raise our children only to lose
them. If this is part of their learning curve and their journey, we
can handle that. What I find difficult is that we could very well be a
big part of the reason they cut and run.

Thanks for your time!

Christie

Question from a Parent

My daughter who is now 4 came to live with me when she was 3 weeks old as my foster daughter. Our adoption finalized when she was 2 1/2.

Her biological mom is bi-polar and schizophrenic - she has also abused alcohol and drugs.

she was hospitalized the last 8 months of her pregnancy. So during the first month it is possible she took drugs and drank.

My daughter's biological father has cognitive delays and might be schizophrenic as well - he also abuses alcohol.

I know that schizophrenia has not been proven to be hereditary - yet I know she has about a 50% chance of getting it in her late teens early twenties.

My daughter has been healthy and on target for everything - she's pretty smart and learns quickly.

She has always had a temper and will give you the complete evil eye. When you are talking to her she can completely tune you out and do what she wants anyway.

She would sleep with a bear - since she was little - she finally at one point became attached to it and would freak if she didn't have it to go to sleep - finally I completely took the bear away and would let her sleep with an animal but not the consistent same one in hopes to break the habit - which it did - it helped and a few months down the road I gave her bear back.

for quite awhile she had to have the same bedtime routine in the same order or life was not okay - so then I started changing that up.

I wanted her to have consistency yes - but I didn't want her to become obsessive about things and not be able to deal with change.

As she has gotten older some of the habits she has surpassed - often with forced help...... but some she has over come - only to change to another habit - that I later recognize.

She has always liked "little tiny things or toys" like very small stuffed animals or plastic toys. Ahh yes for awhile she had to go to sleep every night with a dime in her hand. Finally after being woke up in the middle of the night to blood curdling screams a few times - to which I would panic and run in there - only to find that she had dropped her dime and couldn't find it. Then I broke that habit and wouldn't let her sleep with dimes any more.

So back to the tiny things - we have had this problem off and on - where she will put tiny things in her pocket or she has to carry them in her hand. She will not set them down when she is pick up other toys to clean up - in fear that someone might put it away or pick it up ( I think). The other problem we have had off and on (and now it is on again - which is why I am writing) is that she will put other peoples little things in her pockets and "steal" them. She will do it with my things - with her brother's things - she has done it at my friends house with her friend's toys.

I found out this morning she did it again. I have explained to her that is stealing. When she does not ask if she can borrow something it is stealing - she knows this - well she at least knows she should not be doing it. She sneaks things intentionally - once in awhile she will sneak food as well. But she is diffidently a very sneaky child. She might even sneak out of bed and lay on the floor in the hall (in the past this was an issue). When I tell her to leave her toys at home - not to bring them - she might sneak them with her anyway. I have now told her that I cannot trust her so for now she may not put things in her pockets and I will have to check her pockets every time we leave home - school or a friends house (which will be hard for me to get in the habit) and I shouldn't have to do this to my 4 year old - but it is a consistent on going problem and I don’t want it to become a bigger issue down the road. I want to break this habit now.

So my bigger question yet - in your opinion - do you think this stuff is normal childhood issues, or do you think this is a possible pre-determining factor to mental health issues - or possibly affects of drugs or alcohol that first month of pregnancy - or some kind of attachment issue (which she is deff attached to our family and friends and that doesn't seem to be an issue - maybe over attachment to things might be an issue). Should I get her into counseling or am I over-reacting?

Any input you could give would be greatly appreciated